To write a message that gets a reply, make it about the other person, not about you. Give them something useful before you ask for anything, keep it short, and end with one simple question that's easy to answer. Most messages do the exact opposite, and that's why most messages get ignored.
Why do most messages get ignored?
Because they ask for something without giving anything. A typical message looks like this: who I am, what I do, how many years of experience I have, here's my portfolio, can we jump on a call? It's all about the sender, it's long, it could have been sent to anyone, and it asks for time from a stranger.
The person reading it gets dozens of messages like that. There's no reason to answer yours.
Why does giving something first work?
Because of reciprocity: when someone does something for us, we feel we should do something back. The psychologist Robert Cialdini calls it one of the most powerful forces in how people decide, and two experiments show it clearly.
In 1971, a researcher named Dennis Regan had students rate paintings next to another "participant", who was actually working for him. In some cases, this person left during a break and came back with a Coca-Cola for the student. At the end, he asked them to buy raffle tickets for a cause back home. The students who got the Coke bought twice as many tickets, even the ones who said they didn't particularly like him.
In 2002, another group of researchers tested it in a restaurant. When waiters left one mint with the bill, tips went up 3%. With two mints, they went up about 14%. And when the waiter left one mint, started to walk away, then came back and said "for you nice people, here's an extra one", tips went up 23%.
That last part is the key. It wasn't the size of the gift that mattered most. It was that it felt personal and unexpected. Your message works the same way.
What does a good message look like?
It has four parts:
- It's about them. Their name, their problem, where you saw it.
- It gives something useful. A specific tip, a mistake you noticed, a quick fix.
- It's short. Four or five lines. If they need to scroll, it's too long.
- It ends with one easy question. Something they can answer with "yes" in two seconds.
Here's the difference in practice. Imagine a store owner posted in a Facebook group that her website is slow.
The message that gets ignored: "Hi! I'm a web developer with 5 years of experience. I offer website design, speed optimization, SEO and more. Here's my portfolio. Would you like to jump on a quick call this week?"
The message that gets a reply: "Hi Sarah, I saw your post about your site being slow. I took a quick look: the main photo on your product pages is 8 MB, which takes several seconds to load on a phone. Making it smaller would probably cut the load time in half. I noticed two other easy fixes too. Want me to send them?"
The second message already helped her, it shows you know what you're doing without saying it, and it asks for almost nothing. Saying yes costs her one word.
What can you give before asking for anything?
- A specific tip about their problem, not a generic one.
- A quick review of their website, their ad, their profile: three things that could be better.
- A short video of you looking at their problem and explaining it. One minute is enough, and almost nobody does it.
- A useful resource that solves part of their problem, even if it isn't yours.
This works best where people are already talking about their problems, like Reddit or Facebook groups. I explain where to find them in How to Find Clients on Reddit and Facebook.
What mistakes get your message ignored?
- Copying and pasting the same text. People notice. If it could be sent to anyone, it's not for them.
- Starting with a link. It looks like spam, and many platforms hide messages with links from strangers.
- Asking for a call in the first message. A call is a big ask from a stranger. Earn it first.
- Talking about yourself. Your experience matters, but only after they care about what you can do for them.
One good message, written for one person, will get more replies than a hundred copied ones. It's slower, but at the start that's exactly what works, as I explain in How to Get Your First 10 Customers.
Sources
- Reciprocity and Regan's 1971 experiment (The Copywriter Club)
- What a 2-cent mint tells us: the restaurant tipping study (ERE)
- Notes on Influence by Robert Cialdini (Derek Sivers)
Frequently asked questions
How do I write a message that gets a reply?
Make it about the other person, give them something useful before asking for anything, keep it to four or five lines and end with one simple question they can answer with "yes".
Why do people ignore my messages?
Usually because they're about the sender, they're long, they look copied and pasted, and they ask a stranger for time, like a call, without offering anything first.
What is reciprocity in simple terms?
It's the tendency to want to give something back when someone does something for us. Studies show that even a small, personal gift, like a free soda or a mint, makes people much more willing to say yes afterwards.
Should I ask for a call in my first message?
Usually not. A call is a big ask from someone you don't know yet. Start with something useful and a small question, and suggest a call once they've shown interest.